Happy Valentine's Day!

I remember one Valentine’s Day that happened to coincide with me being in a relationship.  I finally had a man on the right day of the year and I was going to make the most of it.  But everything that day was chaotic and ridiculous: a lot of traffic and driving, the production of “getting ready”, selecting a restaurant with an hour wait, getting home very late and dreading work the next day.  At the end of the day, we were just two tired people, manipulated by aggressive marketing and bending to social norms; me with my high expectations and him ambivalently going along.

We made it to the restaurant and settled at the bar.   We began to chat like the good friends that we were instead of the possessed maniacs we had become.  It helped that the restaurant had a lovely piano bar.  The musician was warm and pleasant and smiled to himself and everyone passing by.  As we waited, my boyfriend talked about a number of things, but mostly about growing up in Chicago.   In a matter-of-fact way, he revealed something very personal and sad that happened in his family.  In that moment, I was not aware of the piano man and his songs, or the crowds of people, but only the words coming from his mouth, and oddly, the lack of expression on his face.  However, I was deeply affected by what he was saying.  He paused and said “I can see your eyes watering up and I really appreciate your care and concern.”   

What happened in that moment had nothing to do with cards, candy, balloons, flowers or jewelry.  It was simply a heartfelt exchange between two people.   It was a moment in which one soul connected with another without shame or pretense.  There was sharing and understanding.   And isn’t this what we all want, to be more fully known, understood and accepted? 

We live in a time in which so many are craving validation and the assurance that they really matter.  Why else would people go to such extreme attempts to be recognized?  We see this everywhere: at work and at home, among the rich and poor, in the media, in politics, at social events, at school and even in religious institutions.   

Fortunately, there is something that we can do.  We can initiate heartfelt exchanges with those around us.  We can take the time to look someone else in the eye and let them know that they matter by listening to their story without judgment.  We also have to be vulnerable and share our story with others.  It doesn’t have to be something sad and depressing.  I’ve revealed embarrassing missteps that resulted in raucous laughter.   

Whether you are alone, with friends, or partnered in some way, I wish you a Happy Heartfelt Exchange Day!  

Hydrangea

That Which Matters Most

Everyone has their own approach to the new year.   I usually take some time to consider where I’ve been, where I want to go and how to get there.   This year I want to be more intentional about my time and making sure that I spend it on things that matter most to me.   At this stage of my life, what matters most to me is to feel well and to be well in the world.

My wellness formula includes quality relationships, a spiritual practice, writing, good food and exercise.   I also need to discover new things, and to laugh and play.  I function best when these are mostly present in my life and am off-kilter when they are not.  On some level, I hoped that this awareness would automatically result in me doing more of these activities.  But no, I actually have to set aside time for these things and then make them happen. 

Setting aside time for the things that matter most will always mean that I must choose one thing over the other.  I may have to decline invitations to celebrations, noble causes or entertainment.   There’s nothing wrong with them other than their timing being out of sync with what I need to do.  I’ve learned how to kindly and artfully say no.   

To live this way is a daily practice.  Sometimes I just need to pause and question whether the action I’m about to take will serve any real purpose or contribute to the welfare of my soul.  I will miss the mark.  I try not to be too frustrated with myself.  All I have to do is push reset and try again.   Perhaps this is the hope that comes with the new year. 

One of my favorite new year's cards

The Pleasant Aroma of Fall’s Decay

Fall is my favorite season. I like everything about the fall - the colors, the coolness, traditions and celebrations. My favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, is in the fall. It is the one holiday where nobody really wants anything from anybody other than their love, friendship and maybe their food.

I enjoy walking in the fall and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet. Sometimes I walk alone and other times with a friend. I have a walking buddy, Arlene. We walk the Arabia Mountain Trail as it winds behind neighborhoods and into woods, alongside streams and wildflowers on granite outcrops. We pause to admire a flower, leaf or tree. We take photos as if visiting for the first time.

There’s a wonderful woodsy smell in the air that shows up in the fall. I expect the alluring sweetness of spring blossoms. Yet, I can’t deny the welcoming and pleasant aroma from fall’s decay.

The chill in the air, short dark days and the smell of fireplaces sends me straight to my kitchen. Soups, chowders and stews are often on the stove or in the slow cooker. I’m inspired to try out new and savory recipes from seniors lingering in the produce section of the grocery store. But if it should rain, I would forget these things and head to my sofa with hot cider, a blanket and a good book.

As a child, my mother would send me to the basement to retrieve fall and winter clothing. She would be in the kitchen taking down the yellow and white curtains. I remember their whimsical movements against the open window. Their replacements were brown, white and joyless. In my own way, I do the same. I move clothes from one closet to another. I place a fall wreath on the front door and just below, two planters full of mums.

Some are sad when the long summer days end, and with it, our summer play. But, there is a time when we must gather together and come inside. We need things to begin. We need things to end. And fall is that reminder.

“Autumn…the year's last, loveliest smile." - William Cullen Bryant

In pursuit of the life we want

The leader of one of the creative groups (The StuckCreative) that I attend, always tells us to do something each day towards our creative work.  I’ve been going to this group for months and have yet to accomplish this.   I’ve concluded that this may be ideal but far from practical.

It would be great if we could devote all of our energy and time in pursuit of a particular goal.  Can you imagine if there was a program like The Biggest Loser where we could check out of our life and pursue our dreams full time? There would be a staff of experts and a coach standing by for support.  At the end of the day, you would fall into your lovely bed exhausted from pursuing this one desire all day long.  When you check in with your loved ones they would provide positive reinforcement and proclaim that your success in achieving this dream is a matter of life and death for you and your family.  There would be many happy tears to follow.

In reality, we are managing (to varying degrees) the life we have right now while working towards the life we hope to create.   And creating something new requires time and practice.  We do this in the midst of work, family and other responsibilities.  Of course there are benign unexpected things that happen that temporarily disrupt our lives like last summer when the air conditioning unit in my house in Atlanta decided to go on strike against the tenant.  There are also non-benign things that happen to us such as illness, or loss of a loved one or loss of a job.   We have no choice but to tend to these things.

To all of this, I say that we should continue on in pursuit of our goals and the life that we want.   Don't feel bad or disappointed if you can’t do this daily or even routinely.  Most often, achieving our goals is a lot like driving to work in traffic.  At some places we can move pretty fast and other times you just have to sit there and wait.    We always manage to get there but sometimes it takes a little longer.

Man Cannot Live by Lists Alone

A New Year…Four beautiful seasons begin.  These are not my words.  These words are from a six-pack of holiday cards by American Greetings.  I love the sentiment and the hope that these few words offer.

In the past, I take this time to reflect upon where I've been and where I want to go.  When I was younger, I used to write down a list of goals for the future.  To prove this point, I selected a journal from my box of journals to see if I could find any New Year resolutions, goals or lists.  The first journal I picked up included an entry from January 4, 2007 which concluded with a rudimentary handwritten chart:

2007

More	Less
Writing & Reading	TV
Healthy Behaviors	Fear
Understanding	Anger
Compassion	Sugar, Fried Foods
Financial Stability	Bullshit (internal & external)
Family Time
Meaningful Relationships
Fearless Living

Having lists to help us reach our goals can be helpful but we gotta keep these lists in check.  Keep lists in their place.  There have been times when my life felt like a series of lists that I kept constructing and destructing.   It feels good to cross things off of a long list.  Of course, I would then create a new one.  It is a way to move oneself around in the world and to feel deeply accomplished or like a friggin failure…all because of a stupid list.  Truly that’s a recipe for mania. 

Man cannot live by lists alone. 

As I said before, we just gotta keep lists in their place.  Lists are very helpful when I’m at work and have too much to do.  I need a little list to write down things that need to get done that day or within a short period of time.  Lists are also good for the grocery store.  Without a good list, I could end up with almost anything.  I've been collecting books by my numero uno main squeeze author James Baldwin.  I put the list of 5 books I currently own in the notes section of my phone.  Last week, I wandered into Second Story Books in Dupont Circle (Washington, DC) and found a Baldwin book.  I was so excited and headed to the cashier.  I remembered my list and was shocked it was already on there.  I couldn't believe that I had forgotten that I had this book when I just put this list in my phone less than a week ago.  So lists are also good for people like me who are a bit loopy.

Our lists are often based on our goals - but we also have to keep our goals in check.  Goals will change based on our needs, wants and state of mind.  Sometimes they are valid and sometimes they're not. I may have a goal that is based on a need.  Here’s an example that many can relate to.  There was a time when I had marriage on my list of goals.  Now, I desire meaningful relationships.  I figure that if marriage is really that important for my journey then all of the cosmic forces, Jesus, Buddha, Allah and everyone else will come together and make it happen.  I see no reason to expend my creative, spiritual, emotional and intelligent energy on trying to make something like that happen.  Fortunately, I live in a day and time where I have enough freedom and opportunities to do what I want without being legally hitched to someone.  I don’t need to be married.  However, I don’t think I could make it without the support of friends and family.  I need meaningful relationships.  Developing meaningful relationships has become a guiding principle for my life.  

So what does all of this mean for the new year?   It’s ok to have a list or two of things to accomplish to help you organize your life but they can’t be your life.   Try to have guiding principles by which to live your life and then put them in practice.  These can be simple things like to be more loving, compassionate or creative.  If you miss the mark you can just try again.  That’s the hope that comes with a new year.

Wishing you peace, blessings and all good things-  Karen

A Moment of Melancholy

Yesterday evening, while walking back to my apartment from the grocery store, I had a moment of melancholy.  It unexpectedly swept over me like a wave. I couldn’t even think of any particular trigger.  Was I lonely?   Was I scared?   Mad about something?  Was it the holidays?  Uhmmmm….yes, maybe, why not and I don’t really know.

 

I was about to investigate what I was feeling.

Although it was the first day of winter, there was a wonderful, tropical-like breeze that pulled me away from my “deep” analysis.  If it weren’t for the cement underneath my feet and the high rise buildings around me, I could have been walking along a beach during the summer.  

Then, I looked up at the holiday lights outlining the windows of the apartments high above.  I especially like the lights that are supposed to be the shape of a tree or a symbol. I can imagine the inhabitants getting to a point of frustration and deciding that this will have to do.  Or, maybe this is exactly what they intended.  Either way, I was amused.  It was nice to see the lights regardless of the execution or intention.

I had forgotten about my melancholy and my analysis.

   

Then, I thought to myself, I bet there are at least a few million people in the world alive today that wished they could have the freedom to be walking safely from the grocery store back to their home.  If only they could walk around in a nice neighborhood looking up at lights in the window and feeling a tropical breeze.  They wished they could go into a grocery store and wander up and down the aisles trying to figure out what to purchase because there are so many options.  Many wished to have the physical ability and health to simply walk around, others a brain functioning well enough to consider options, and some the emotional health capable of self-reflection. 

I ditched the melancholy altogether.

I looked up and realized that a little girl was coming my way.  She was a few steps ahead of her dad.  She was happy and her steps were more like a march.  Her dad was not happy and seemed to be dragged down by life and caught up in some drama he was relaying on his cell.  I looked at the little girl and I could imagine her saying, Look at me walking all by myself!  I think she spotted me a ways back because when I looked up her eyes were already locked into mine.   She would not be denied.   I smiled back at her and gave her an exuberant Well…hello!  She smiled back and marched onward. 

That’s it.  Smile and march onward.